I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
