I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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