My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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