Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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