$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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