my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
