I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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