Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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