We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
