I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
