I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
