I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
