i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
