I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
