i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
