He kissed a someone with a penis
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
