hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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