I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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