plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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