When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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