arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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