Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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