Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
