so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
