sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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