I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
