I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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