so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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