I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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