I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
