i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
