seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
