he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
