Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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