now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Why did my mother make you get naked?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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