Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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