So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
