Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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