Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
