Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
