tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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