Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Randomize
