level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
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