Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
