I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I love having hate sex.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Is her dick bigger than yours?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
