Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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