you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
