checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
