I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
