we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
