Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Randomize
