I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
