just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
