He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My ass is underappreciated
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
