After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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