im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
