Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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