the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
