its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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